Every single member of my family (including myself) always tries to play the victim card when we/they are on the offensive. No one listens to anyone and we all get under each others' skin for the smallest things. I know you're supposed to love your family, and I do in a way. But their actions and words exchanged have really taken a toll on me. I used to try so hard to make my parents proud that somewhere along the line (high school), I had a breaking point. I just could not be the son they wanted me to be anymore. Funny enough, I still find myself trying to seek their approval thinking that maybe they'll come around one day. That has not happened yet and I don't think it ever will.
     Here's the rundown of my dysfunctional family: My dad is an all-around patriarch who 9 out of 10 times has to have the upper-hand of things. I find him to be easily irritated by the smallest things when he claims to always be "the bigger person." On good days, he is open to new ideas and has a pretty good sense of humor about certain things. On bad days, he will make threats and is on a mission to kick someone's (my) ass. He and I butt heads because I am stubborn and speak my mind, which he considers disrespectful. My mom is one of the hardest working people I know and is pretty attentive to details that even I'll look past. However, this is also a license for her to be a nagger. She will often pull some passive-aggressive moves and send mixed signals, which I am not above, but still...it is to stick it to me. She has no clue how irritating that could be and how much it could kill a good mood. I'm as flawed as they come. When I'm with friends, I am easygoing and fun, but this other side of me manifests itself in other ways because they never get to see how I am at home. I am negative, lazy, and moody person, but it doesn't just stem from anywhere. Then there's my sister, who really isn't in the picture much; she's got her own thing. The thing I envy about her is that she gets away with a lot, never really has to be accountable for her actions and still gets treated like a saint. It's a very skewed dynamic that my parents can never seem to acknowledge.
     I give my parents some credit for not being the super-conservative Chinese stereotype, but there are so many things they could be better at, i.e., accepting the fact that they have a gay son. I've had to come out to them several times, and each has been more devastating than the next, which might explain why they're kind of in a state of denial with me. I mean, I'd rather not have them involved in my personal life, which doesn't exist anyway, so it's not too much of an issue. It does make me feel uneasy to think about how things would turn out if I bring a guy home when in reality, my sister's boyfriend lives with us. These aren't major concerns as of now because I'm not seeing anyone, but if I were, I'm sure they would not be as cool.
     The thing that disappoints me most is every good thing that I've ever done has been overlooked and all the "bad" things have been highlighted. If I ever do anything worth being proud of, my mom (especially) always throws out some kind of negative comment. Sometimes I think it's just a Chinese thing, but then I look at other Chinese families and the parents' sing their kids' praises. I used to find that to be pretty obnoxious, yet now it's one of the things I long for because it'll get my folks off my back. I do appreciate that they make some effort to support me, but I can't but feel that it comes out of obligation and not from the heart. That bothers me because I don't know how genuine they are about things when they'll point out "bad" that I do/have done. I don't know what it will take for me to get them to break out of this strict Confucian family structure because they certainly don't hold the same standard for me and my sister. I feel like there are some things that she has done that in my opinion are pretty unforgivable, but my mom has even admitted that she puts more pressure on me because she has to worry about me more than my sister. I don't know what has given her more concern for me than her; it's unfair. 
     If I've learned anything from living at home, it's that things have gotten way too comfortable. I hate to admit it (because it gives my folks a one up), but my parents are correct when they berate me for feeling "entitled" to do what ever it is that I want. That means not maintaining a standard of cleanliness, forgetting to do certain chores, or asking them to do things for me. It might sound very elementary, but I guess they've got a point there. But if I were to live by myself, which I did when I was in London, I would feel a stronger sense of responsibility. The good/bad thing about it is that I would not need to owe anyone an explanation. I know I lose certain rights by choosing to live at home, but I'm not ready to find a full-time job when I am trying to pursue something that can potentially turn into a career. I know I'll eventually have to worry about paying end's meet and such when I move out, but if I am able to sustain what I am doing right now (interning and working part-time), this will have to go on. It is definitely a selfish approach to take, and I've been told by friends that I could afford to be more independent, but that will entail working a job I dread, which I already have. Aside from sweating the small stuff, I often have to compete with other people's children. My mom will occasionally tell me things like "Alex, your cousin Dennis finally has a job. He even treated your grandmother to dinner. When will you find a real job and not have to do these unpaid internships?" Basically, I need to strive to be someone else because I will never be good enough for choosing an unconventional (for Asians at least) career path. It makes things worse when you are 1 of 17 grandchildren, where relatives can compare notes. Man, I wonder why there are so many politics in life; why isn't there more love?
     I come from a family of talkers, so listening really isn't something I do. Because of this, I have encountered certain situations where things could've been resolved if I and others took the time to shut up. It's difficult for me to do because I want my message to come across when it never really does. It seems that everyone involved has something to say, but no one wants to listen because all they see is their pain. I get it though: I'm not the person they want me to be. In the midst of our fights sometimes, they will throw in a "We only want what's best for you." And in my fog of anger, I often think "What is that supposed to be? Living the life you want for me and not how I want things to be?" They will also insult me during our arguments, which is a pretty low blow in my opinion. Things like: "If you were so able-bodied, you'd move out." "How the hell do you even have friends? You have no friends because no one likes you." "You are scum." don't phase them. I mean, these words shouldn't bother me if what they were saying were not true, but on some level it is. How the hell do you expect me to respect you a certain way when instead of attacking how I mishandle certain situations, you go after my character? I'll gladly admit that I am in the wrong party, but my parents are way too self-righteous to admit that about themselves. If they ever do, it's about how they didn't raise me the right way... basically a guilt trip. Why am I always the one who has to apologize? Seriously.
     My parents do not understand how much I still try to make them proud, even though I have probably disappointed them time and time again. What hurts the most is that they are not willing to hear me out because whenever I attempt to tell them or look for some kind of support, I usually get my ass handed back to me. This in turn, has built up a massive wall between who I am and how others see me. Who the hell am I supposed to run to for emotional support? Not my holier-than-thou parents or apathetic friends? I don't even have a therapist anymore. And here I am on my journey to happiness without a clue of where my destination will be. One thing is for sure though, I can never be truly happy if my parents can't be happy for me to find bliss in my own terms. I don't need them to like what I do or even who I am; just love me for me. I wonder when/if this emotional roller coaster will end. All I want for everyone is to be happy. Why is that so hard to understand?

     I am by no means a saint, but I don't think I've ever done anything deliberately to hurt someone (except maybe my parents because I wanted their attention). And for the people I have hurt, I've worked really hard to make amends with them. Despite having to constantly apologize, things don't always work out, but I can't exactly blame them. Anyway, my real problem is with those who always seem to be on the lookout to see me fail, and I'm sure they'll enjoy watching every minute of it if that happens. While I try not to give them this satisfaction, I find myself worrying about things that are more important at the moment and not in the long run. I have a difficult time seeing the bigger picture because I'm so concerned about what is happening now. People have told me to take on a more jaded approach to life because I will be able to sort out what matters and what doesn't, i.e. bitches. I'm making an effort to take on this more stoic mentality, but the line between professional and personal attacks that these bitches use are getting blurred; it's confusing me.
     Friends accuse me of being a "masochist" when it's not true, especially because I have a pretty low threshold for not just physical pain but emotional pain as well. I understand why it might seem like I am masochistic sometimes because I won't make a big deal about things in front my "sadistic" counterparts. However, it's not so calm in my mind, and I will either tell certain people, plot out mini-revenges, or go on here and vent. 
     Out of all people, bitches probably are the most paranoid because (maybe) they have a lot to lose. I mean, they don't rise to such high positions without stepping on somebody's toes. That's the thing about power though: some people are too drunk with it. From what I can observe, they will destroy their "rivals" because these people are looking to "sabotage" them. My reaction to that: bitch, please. I've been told that people at my job want to drive me out, which is why so many of my superiors get on my case for every little thing and have such prickly dispositions. And believe me, I want to leave, but the recession is not over yet and I just finished school, so I need something to do in the mean time. 
     Destroying people is not what I want to be doing, but the shit I'm get from bitches is knee deep. I know these tyrants are used to getting what they want, but I really hope they get what's coming for them. And the best policy is to let them fuck themselves over, so I'll be absolved when that happens.

     and it left me disappointed yet again. For the first time, I was talking to someone who had more to say than me, which is rare. We've been exchanging back and forth on OKCupid (one of the less shady free dating sites), and I really thought I got a good sense of the guy. He reminded me of my old co-worker, which was a bit awkward because it makes me wonder if I had any feelings for him. Anyway, I wasn't exactly sure how I would feel after meeting him, but I was definitely excited. So on the day of our date, I tried my best to make sure things went smoothly. If that meant getting to the café half an hour early, not bringing up controversial topics, and listen more than speak, I did all of it. In fact, at certain moments, I even "pretended" to be interested in what he had to say. Of course the best policy is always to "be yourself," but from what I have learned from the past, that is not the case for me.
     I got a fairly decent first impression from the guy: He was tall, beefy, appeared scholarly, and had a cast on his foot, but that didn't concern me. He works in the nonprofit education sector, which is pretty admirable. I did, however, get a vibe from him that he thought he was too good for me. And in my head, I was like "It's not like I was a 100% sure about you, but I'm giving you a chance." A major indicator that this date did not go well is that he told me "My bus is leaving in 4 minutes." Now, who the hell worries about these things when you're on a date? The funny thing is that I had to take the same bus as him, so that was an awkward ride home.
     I am trying my best not to be so picky and lower my expectations to see where that'll get me. So far, it has been nowhere. Fortunately, I have a career to focus on, so if there's one thing less to worry about, it's not exactly terrible. I don't know if I'm talking myself out of love because I can't find it or if I'm just really that career-driven. You tell me.

     and I don't know if I have much control of it. I feel trapped in a pretty toxic environment right now, and I'm looking for "opportunities" to help me escape the grips of an institutional tyrant. I have a reason to go to New York now, but whether or not I'll get this gig depends on how I perform here. Based on what has happened lately, I can confidently say that I'm not going anywhere. Fortunately, I have looked into something more relevant. However, figuratively and literally speaking, this sets up a dilemma that I just can't seem to wrap my head around because of certain situational conflicts.
     After discussing this with a good friend, my mind has been cleared out a bit: I need to learn how to deal with uncomfortable situations, not take things so personally, really think before I speak because I've been told that these things will help me gain confidence. Of course, it is better to practice when things aren't so dire. But I've gotten beyond my mental crossroads, and I am driven to get what I want, especially if opportunity presents itself. I want to believe that I can be a better person, so I'm going to give myself that chance.

     It was full of allegory that I'm trying to figure out right now. Drawing from what I can remember, I was at a benefit gala held at a hotel auditorium. People were dressed to the nines and the place was dripping in gold, black velvet, chandeliers...pure extravagance. Later, Fabio (random) appeared on stage and belched out "The Sound of Music," and the crowd sang along. I needed to use the restroom badly, and so I pushed my way trying to look for one. On my restroom quest, I noticed that the layout of this building began to look very familiar and wasn't nearly as glamorous as the auditorium I had just come out of; it looked like school. I mean, back in school, I did have these mini restroom quests, so maybe that factored in my subconscious. Anyway, every restroom I went to was absolutely disgusting because there was feces in/on every surface e.g., toilet, urinal, sink, and I just did not feel comfortable enough to relieve myself in such a filthy environment. So I stayed on my quest and ran into a few people I honestly haven't thought about in years. One of them was an ex-friend whom I've had a very complicated friendship with (I've probably written about during the early days of this Xanga.) So, I searched the whole building and discovered secret passages that people would probably have never known (and probably don't exist in real life). By that time, I could not hold it in anymore, and at that moment, I woke up to save myself from humiliation (so on cue).
     If I try to analyze this myself, I would say this dream represents my unreadiness for the real world. I was enchanted by the idea of this romanticized life that even in full consciousness, I knew did not exist. The extravagance is what I'd like to belong to, but never really quite reach because I still cling to my identity as a student. The feces represents the harsh reality that I need to face in order to be self-sufficient because some people deal with much worse situations. The familiar faces I encountered probably represent a past that I truly miss, but in reality there's no turning back because people have changed so much in both in my dreams and reality. I don't know what thoughts or incidents provoked this dream, but I must say that it was really fascinating. At least it was not a nightmare.